If You Could Go Back in Time

Truth or dare:
Dare: Ask me a really hard question, not a superficial one—one that cuts so deeply you're ashamed to care so much.
Truth: If you could live your life over again, is there anything you would change?

It depends what you mean. If I could change anything I would, then yes, absolutely. I would change every sin I ever committed to an act of kindness, and every act of kindness I ever failed to perform to a act of grace. But it's no use talking about things like that. It has already happened – not the sins; I mean the change: in the eyes of God, all my sins have been forever changed to grace.

Or do you mean if I was to live my life over again, knowing what I do know, would I do anything differently? If I have any memories I would prevent from happening? then I would have to answer no. Given a choice between my life now, with all its problems, and another life, as uncertain as my future is now, I would choose this life. Uncertainty is one of my biggest stumbling blocks, my greatest fears, and I pay almost any price to have certainty. But really, my life has been pretty good so far; there's nothing worth pursuing here.

Do you mean, are there sins in my past which I did not know were sins at the time? things which, with my present knowledge, I would certainly avoid? No, not really. Thanks mostly to my parents, all my sins (that I remember) were fully conscious and willful, insofar as any of my actions were. Were there sins? Countless. But I don't think I have gained any knowledge in life which would have helped me avoid them; just experience. And without a miracle (see above) that's not enough.

But what about any sins in my past which I knew were sins at the time, but did not fully recognize their consequences? In one sense, I have never fully understood the consequences of any of my actions. The myriad pathways of cause and effect are untraceable, even in hindsight. There are certainly some of my sins which have caused more visible hurt than others. [Actually I am more ashamed of the sins which have never come back to haunt me. For I feel (however wrongly) that if I have suffered for a sin, I have to some degree paid for it. But the sins which did not matter to me must have cost another innocent person all the more.] But I don't think that knowledge would have helped me avoid them. Because in another sense, I have always known the possible consequences of my sin: either death for me, or death for Jesus.

There remains one more option, which may be the weightiest. Are there any actions in my past which, considered in themselves, were good, but which coming when they did, were wrong? Yes. Any upright deeds accompanied by wrongful motives? Yes. And it is these that cut me the most. It is these that I would go back and change if I could; that I would spend the rest of my life paying for if I knew how: These things which were genuinely good from my perspective at the time, but which did not take into consideration the good of others.